Two-Lives

Date: 8-27-07

It's a night I'm sure not to forget. Life, it can be gone so fast. It was my first evening shift by myself at the hospital. Sarah and James were gone, Sonya and I were holding down the fort. I was standing next to Enoch a nurse who speaks a little English and who I would be working with that evening. When in walked a mother holding a baby wrapped up in the traditional African bright colors. Jabel, another nurse, opened up the babies Carnet ("medical records") and over his shoulder I saw a referral written from another clinic for convulsion's and seizures. I lifted up the blanket covering the baby. I tried to find a pulse on his feverish little arm. I couldn't find it so I went to listen to his heart - still nothing. I turned to Jabel and told him "no pulse". He didn't believe me and went to listen for himself. Then another nurse wanted to listen. I knew what I'd heard and wanted to grab the baby from the mother's arms and run to start CPR. But all the other nurses were just standing there. I was suppose to be the one in training. I started motioning to do CPR. They looked at me with a blank look and covered the baby's face with a blanket. I wanted to scream, my arms kept reaching towards the baby but the nurses were shaking their heads. The mother began to cry, her head close to the baby. That's when one of the African medical students came rushing in. He lifted up the blanket checked his eyes listened to his heart and grabbed the baby and ran. I went with him. He started compression and I started bagging. Thirty compression's, two breaths over and over again. Every time I gave a breath to the baby I could hear the fluid in his lungs. He was gone. We wrapped him up, covered his face and brought him back to his mother. I then and there vowed that if that ever happened I would grab that baby and immediately start CPR no matter what the others around me were saying.

The opportunity came too soon. I wasn't prepared. We went running over to the pediatric building when we heard the screams of a mother. I had assessed her baby that morning and had noticed her respirations were very labored. I told Enoch but he didn't seem too concerned but told me she was HIV and that's just how it was going to be. I was sure there was something we could do, but couldn't convey that to him. Now it was to late. Another nurse Tya was already by the bedside taking out the IV, the mother was rocking back and forth on her bed, screaming, hands against her forehead. I look around at the 5 nurses standing around the bed and that's when I got angry. "Pourqoi, Pourqoi, No.." (Why No ) and I motioned for CPR. They all just shook their heads no. I put my hands under the baby's lifeless body and went to lift her. The nurses put their hands on my arms and shook their heads. "Pourqoi" I shouted. Enoch took my arm and led me from the building. I stood on the side-walk outside so frustrated. Why weren't they doing anything!!! I didn't understand and they didn't understand me. That's when Enoch got through to me that she was HIV. Still I had to leave. I told Enoch, "Promenade, je retourne du bien tot" (I was going for a walk and would return). Tears streaming down my face I took a walk to cry, scream, and talk to God. Out into the fields I stood surrounded my miles and miles of rice fields and screamed. "Why God? What do you want me to do? How can I communicate with these people? How can I know what to do? Life goes so quickly.

I found my way to Sonya's hut. She was in the middle of getting her hair braided by her family but got up and came with me when she saw me. We stood out in a field for a hour crying, praying, and looking up at the storm clouds that were beginning to billow on the gray horizon. There in that field underneath those white billows, I felt God's reassurance. He wasn't going to let me down, I'm just a tool. I never have to feel alone or that my knowledge and language skills are all that I have to depend on. If God wants to act through me He will, if He wants to save a life through me He will, if He wants to heal someone through me He will. God showed me that in time I will know the language, but that right now I needed to pray for the families of the babies and right now I needed to put a smile back on my face and go back to the hospital so that He can demonstrate His love and care through me. I can not give this in and of myself it is only by His strength and praising Him for the opportunity to be used by Him that I can go on.

That night I walked home under a full moon, the clouds and rain had rolled onto another place. It was a reminder to me that God is always there like the sun and moon though sometimes the clouds and rain cloud your mind. But it is times like that you must remember that God is right beside you, guiding your hands, your feet, your words. Soon the moon will break through the clouds, so that you can see the path home. The times when you can't see the path you must trust that Christ is beside you and leading.